I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
