I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
