Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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