Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
