No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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