My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
