Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
