Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
