dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
