just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
