I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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