The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
