i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
