Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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