My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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