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So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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