Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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