Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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