Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
