So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
