I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
