help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
