do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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