that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
