I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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