Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
