i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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