why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize