Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How does one acquire holy water?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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