a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
