Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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