Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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