Jerry, you need to find god
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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