Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
