flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
