i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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