i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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