Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
