I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
