I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
