That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
