Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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