a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize