Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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