The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
