do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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