1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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