2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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