I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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