I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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