I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
