i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
