He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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