aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
