I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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