dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
