Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
