Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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